"I'm a really nice guy, ask anyone"

 Psychopath ex used to say to people 'I'm a really nice guy, ask anyone' 

'What you're describing is a common behavior among abusive individuals who use manipulation and charm to maintain a positive public image. This tactic, sometimes referred to as "image management," allows them to avoid accountability and discredit their victims if they speak out.

Here are some points to consider about this behavior:

1. Dual Persona: Abusers often cultivate a "nice guy" persona in public to mask their abusive behavior in private. This makes it harder for victims to be believed when they share their experiences.

2. Gaslighting: By insisting they are "nice" and pointing to others who can vouch for them, they may try to make you doubt your reality or feel isolated in your experiences.

3. Manipulation: Building social alliances is another way for them to exert control. If others see them as kind and friendly, it can discourage people from supporting you if you try to expose the abuse.

What Can You Do?

1. Trust Your Experience: No matter what others say, your feelings and experiences are valid. Abuse is abuse, no matter how charming someone may appear to others.

2. Seek Support: Find friends, family, or support groups who believe and validate you. There are also organizations and professionals who specialize in helping victims of abuse.

3. Document the Abuse: If it's safe, keep a record of incidents, messages, or evidence. This can be useful if you choose to pursue legal action or need to protect yourself.

4. Establish Boundaries: Minimize contact with your ex if possible, and seek legal protection (such as a restraining order) if needed.

5. Therapeutic Support: Consider therapy or counseling to process the trauma and rebuild your self-esteem.

Your safety and well-being are the priority. If you're in immediate danger or need help, reach out to a trusted individual or organization.'

You aren't a pork chop

 Why You Shouldn’t Care About Looks

The obsession with appearances is the most insidious form of subjugation that women have ever faced. It is not the chains of patriarchy that bind us most tightly, but the corsets of conformity, the lipsticks of distraction, and the constant compulsion to please the male gaze. To care deeply about how you look is to relinquish power to forces that see you not as a human being, but as an object to be assessed, admired, or dismissed.

 And here’s the blunt truth: you are not a pork chop. You are not a slab of meat to be measured, weighed, and found wanting.

The cultural machinery that tells you otherwise is vast and relentless.

 From magazines that prescribe the perfect nose to social media filters that obliterate individuality, the world insists that a woman’s worth resides in the smoothness of her skin, the symmetry of her face, the slenderness of her body. But such standards are arbitrary and cruel, designed to keep you distracted from your real purpose: to live fully, think deeply, and act boldly.

To free yourself from this tyranny, you must understand that caring about looks is not a form of self-love but a form of self-loathing, meticulously packaged as empowerment.

 The next time you find yourself agonizing over a wrinkle or a blemish, ask yourself this: Who *profits* from my insecurity? Who benefits from my self-doubt?

 The answer, of course, is a billion-dollar beauty industry that thrives on your dissatisfaction, feeding it with every ad, every airbrushed image, every insidious whisper that you are not enough.

You are enough. You are more than enough. Your mind, your spirit, your capacity to love and to create—these are the things that make you extraordinary. No man’s approval, no mirror’s reflection, can ever capture the magnitude of your being. 

So refuse to play the game. Refuse to waste another moment worrying about how others perceive you.

As women, our power lies not in how we look but in how we live. To care less about your looks is not to abandon yourself but to reclaim yourself. And isn’t that the ultimate act of liberation?

Elizabeth Lucy Robillard and ai 

Mental Health, New Approaches

 (I've written an edited version at 'Medium')

A note to providers in mainstream mental health services: As a sufferer and as a behaviour therapist, I have strong views here.
In my view, force of any kind, including sectioning (locking people in a secure psychiatric facility) is often emotionally damaging and traumatising. Removing a persons liberty can cause profound trauma thus adding to the clients' problems which can be generally and acutely counterptoductive, especially where anxiety and/trauma are an issue!
I've noted from groups online, a lot of people in the mental health community seem to want urgent 'rescuing' at times. A better emergency telephone and or internet service could work really well (Zoom is an easy option)
Generous Time spent on helping a client to create healthy habits (probably over extended periods) is
the way of limiting negative behaviours and outcomes. Compassion combined with positive reinforcement works (being careful not to patronise!- mental illness does not usually equate to ignorance!)

Self compassion (as taught by the great Kristin Neff at selfcompassion.org) and teaching 'reparenting' does affect the physical side too; when self respect and self care are practised, physical good health (usually) is a side-effect, as the more people want goodness for themselves, healthy diet and exercise will often become a natural desire for them with creativity and work as a result. (Vitamin and mineral DNA testing may also provide very valuable insight to some physical manifestations and is quite affordable)
Habituating healthy habits despite initial negative mindsets, will automatically lead to more balanced and positive outcomes.
The job of habituating postive behaviours involves heightening self awareness, emotion regulation and identification via therapy, detailed emotion list-making (and extensive journaling especially) is sure to pay off in the long if not short term. Tangible change and healing is a probable with all this practiced.

Join my Facebook group 'mental illness and trauma; self help resources'

Liz Lucy Robillard 

Over 55, bored/lonely? A tad unhealthy?

 We are, in my opinion, exceptionally fortunate to be alive in the internet age.

 There is simply no need to feel alone if you’re a little internet savvy. For example, you could consider joining 'Oddfellows' https://www.oddfellows.co.uk/ a low cost organisation that offers meetings, help and support, that has local groups but also online Zoom (great app) meetings for all.

 There is 'Meetup' https://www.meetup.com/find/united-kingdom/ where you can meet with people that share your interests. There is Age-UK https://www.ageuk.org.uk/ events.

 There is Silverline for support https://www.thesilverline.org.uk/. 

If you can’t get out and about it’s worth searching your local 'befriending' schemes for that as they will visit you. You can keep up with neighbourhood events at nextdoor.co.uk. 

There is 'Discord' https://discord.com/ for good chats and Reddit.com (or the app) for enlightening discussions. There’s some good quiz chatrooms there too. 

It’s worth considering that perhaps you could be simply bored rather than lonely? There’s some great free courses at Alison.com and also to help keep the brain in fair shape, try learning a new language for free with Duolingo.com (there’s a paid version of the app for very ambitious learners) 

You could potentially make a few quid if you open your own online store inexpensively or for free as Ebay, ebay.co.uk, is now free to sell things (and Royal Mail will actually collect your parcels from your home for a reasonable fee too, see 'click and collect' at Royal Mail) Vinted is fair as well. 

You could have a clear out and give stuff away on your Olio app, or at Freecycle. 

To help boost your brain cells, you may want to invest in some supplements that are known to help, a few (not an exhaustive list!) are; green tea extract, tumeric (curcumin from that is very beneficial) and fish oil among others (but always discuss with your health care provider before taking anything and be sure to use the correct dosage) Exercise (usually) helps in numerous ways. If you have mobility issues there is a great Youtube channel called 'ImprovedHealth' that provides exercise you can do whilst seated, Youtube has thousands of great exercise vids if you can’t get to a gym, you could invest in your own treadmill to begin (not that expensive!)

For food intake, with a view to optimal health generally, it’s worth trying to stick to the Mediterranean diet. Go sugar-free wherever possible, use natural raw fruit and vegetables whenever possible in order get optimal nutrition, not just for the vitamins but *enzymes* and other compounds you only usually get from fresh raw produce (better than taking most supplements!) Always see a dietician or nutritionist if you have diet or digestive problems.

The Complexity of Autism

 The Complexity of Autism: A Spectrum Beyond Simplistic Narratives

Autism is not a singular disease, nor should it be understood through a reductive lens. 

Rather, autism is an umbrella term encompassing a diverse spectrum of human behaviors, developmental differences, genetic mutations and neurological patterns. 

To attempt to reduce this complexity to a single cause or narrative is to do a profound disservice to our understanding of the human mind and its many variations.

What we call autism is influenced by a staggering array of biological and environmental factors. 

At the neurophysiological level, variations in white matter—those tracts of connective tissue in the brain responsible for communication between different regions—play a significant role as reported by experts decades ago (see Tony Monaco) 

Intriguingly, white matter irregularities can sometimes be traced to maternal MTHFR gene mutations, which influence folate metabolism during pregnancy according to recent studies. 

But this is only one piece of an intricate puzzle.

Genetic disorders such as Fragile X syndrome, Rett syndrome, and Angelman syndrome further complicate the landscape. 

These conditions, along with variations in the UBE3A gene and countless others, are among the myriad contributors to autistic traits.

 Yet even this list is far from exhaustive. Autism’s etiology is as multifaceted as the individuals it describes, involving an interplay of genetics, epigenetics, and environmental factors that defy linear causation.

It is critical to recognize that framing autism as a "disease" imposes a value judgment that may not align with the lived experiences of those on the spectrum. 

Autism challenges our notions of what constitutes "normal" cognition and behavior, urging us to expand our understanding of human potential.

 The quest to unravel autism’s causes is not merely a scientific endeavor; it is also a moral one, inviting us to embrace complexity and reject reductive thinking.

In this complexity lies an opportunity: to rethink the boundaries of neurodiversity and foster a more inclusive vision of what it means to be human.

Elizabeth Lucy Robillard

Ai assisted 2025

The Witchhunt

From my upcoming memoir:

'My son suffers from severe autism or possibly Angelman syndrome (which wasn't definitively excluded when he underwent genetic testing).

As a concerned parent, I reached out to several specialists in the field of autism, desperate to know how best to support him. In 1994, when my son was two, I started an information service called Autistic Information Matters to seek answers, provide support, and share facts.

After much difficulty with professionals—including a Professor Ben Sacks who cruelly suggested I send my two-year-old to an institution (I told him to get out)—I discovered Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA). At the time, I believed it might be a miracle cure that could help my son begin speaking.

However, after extensive research and insights from other parents, I came to realize that autism is an umbrella term, encompassing a variety of conditions rather than a single disorder. (I have written more about this elsewhere.) During this time, I was also enduring coercive control, violence, stalking, and emotional abuse from my son's father.

The police provided little help, especially after I refused to be a court witness against him. On one occasion though I did endure a hearing where I was asked what prison term he should receive, but I was very afraid so told the judge I didn't think he should go to prison. I was struggling with agoraphobia and afraid of the potential repercussions of his ongoing presence in our lives, I felt trapped. Among other horrible things, he tried to suffocate me. It was attempted murder. 

But I digress.

We began ABA-based home education, and on the very first day with a strict 'supervisor' I realized it was a grave mistake for my son. I found it very suppressive of his natural, harmless 'stereotypical' behaviours. I found that it involved some force which is against all my principles. But we were stuck with it.

I suspect that my sons' challenges might stem from 'white matter' issues in the brain due to a genetic mutation I carry on the MTHFR gene. For some autistic children with more psychological needs, ABA may be beneficial, but I maintain it was not the right approach for my son. My (grave) mistake.

About three years into the ABA program, I developed a back problem. I sought respite care around this time, but the local council was unsympathetic and unkind. I refrained from mentioning my back pain, fearing it might make me appear too vulnerable. My son’s father had been taking him for weekend stays, which gave me a respite, but he ceased all contact in 2001—just as my mother passed away. I was also grieving the end of a romantic relationship at the time.

Despite these challenges, I focused on encouraging my son's vocalizations. An example was he began saying "bhees" for "keys," and I used rewards to foster these efforts. Unfortunately, I couldn’t manage the housework and fell into disarray.

A battle ensued with social services when they insisted on placing my son in overnight care at a place he disliked. I had only requested two hours of daytime respite on weekend afternoons, not overnight care! Admittedly, I was likely unpleasant sometimes to the council at the time, exacerbated by my reliance on tranquilizers and alcohol—a habit I thankfully left behind long ago.

One night, a few months after my mother’s passing, I made the terrible mistake of calling the police to take my son (the emergency social service number wasn't picking up calls) as I realized I was unwell and my home was in dire condition. I expected help, but the response was overwhelming. The police swarmed my house as though a mass murder had occurred. One officer assured me I wouldn’t lose my child over a messy home, but he was gravely mistaken.

What followed was a torturous nightmare: I was treated like a criminal by social workers, endured limited visits with my poor confused and distressed son, and faced a grueling 16-day court hearing from which I was excluded after the first day. Subsequent efforts to regain contact with my son failed, with no clear explanations provided.

That was about 24 years ago. Yet, gossips and critics still judge me harshly for losing custody of my beloved boy, who is now 32. I haven’t seen him in many years, not because of any wrongdoing on my part, but due to spite and hatred. I miss my son every day and love him deeply'

Liz Lucy Robillard 2024